Congratulations students! On the behalf of all colleges and universities, I am pleased to welcome you into your junior and senior years of high school. We will begin to shower you with college recruitment foldables, posters, and brochures very soon, all in the good spirit of winning you over. No, you haven’t entered the Chuck E. Cheese ticket blaster, you have just opened your mailbox.

Although our enthusiasm may be considered to be excessive at times, the tons of letters we dedicate ourselves to so lovingly write and deliver every month are part of the vast measures that we are willing to go to in order to raise your hopes up only to ruthlessly reject your application.

  This is an exciting time to be in high school, with plenty of online resources. Since we heard you googled us, we have somehow found your email address and will be checking up on you on a daily basis, just in case our physical mail is getting lost on it’s way to you. Of course, if you add your email on standardized test forms, it makes the process much easier and we get your email without the hassle of trying.  

At the expense of seeming desperate, given that you insist on not taking interest in our school, we will waive our ridiculously expensive application fee that should not be a thing in the first place. If that is still not good enough, we will extend an offer to automatically consider you to scholarships after submission of an application.

Either way, our continuous correspondence is no indicator of automatic acceptance. Although we may have seemed eager to welcome you into our family, we often find ourselves taking that back once receiving your application material. View it as a simple humbling moment.

We all look forward to seeing you in our applications. We wish you the very best.

Sincerely,

All colleges’ and universities’ admissions offices